Post by Chris Kraven on Nov 7, 2010 11:23:49 GMT -4
[We see Chris Kraven, sitting on a black stool, in a dark room. The light from the camera shines, showing off Chris, wearing his nice light brown suit. He's holding a microphone, and has a big cheesy grin on his face. His hair is gelled up into a small mohawk. He looks like a cliche of a backstage interviewer. Our suspicions are confirmed once he begins to talk.]
Chris Kraven: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this very special backstage interview. My name, as you all very well should know, because I'm the best professional wrestler ever to step foot into Full Force Pro...Chris Kraven. And I am joined with one of the most talked about newcomers to ever join Full Force Pro. Now, I'm not talking about Freddy Slay, who is quite the crazy character, or Sara Cross, who seems to have the most defined back muscles a female can have. No, I'm talking about everybody's favorite porn star, wearing the most ridiculous sunglasses I've ever seen...Ash Aiken!
[The camera pans over, to see a cardboard cut out of Ash, bend on the waist, and the knees so it looks to be sitting on a black chair that is next to Chris's stool. At first thought, you wonder how Chris will attempt to interview this cardboard cut out, unless he's going to speak out of the side of his mouth, that is until you hear a faint cough...then see a shoulder of a person hiding behind the cardboard cut out.]
Chris Kraven: Dude, you just coughed. This is supposed to be an illusion. Stop it!
[Chris reaches back and smacks the person on their shoulder. You here a low, but somewhat audible, "sorry man". Chris looks at the camera with a stunned look, and rolls his eyes.]
Chris Kraven: ANYWAY...Ash Aiken, glad to have you here. How have you been?
[The camera pans over to the cut out. We hear a voice although the lips obviously don't move.]
Cardboard Ash Aiken: I am great Chris. And I have nice abs.
[Chris looks unimpressed, but tries to hide it, like this is the real Ash, and he doesn't want to seem like a biased interviewer.]
Chris Kraven: That's excellent buddy. Are you excited for our match on Thursday?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: Oh yes I am, and I know I'll beat you. I've never stepped foot inside a ring, and all I know how to do is act in porn, which isn't necessarily a great trait in pro wrestling, but I'll beat you. You have much more experience than I do, but I have this rocking long hair.
[Chris stares at the cutout, blankly staring.]
Chris Kraven: Okay, well, Ash, I've got news for you my friend. I'm not going to just go in there Thursday and lay down for you. This isn't your adult industry. They don't just tell me to go out there, and tell me what poses to do, and tell me that you're going to have your way with me. This is professional wrestling man. You and I are going to go out there, and compete. And frankly, Ash, I think I'm the better wrestler. I think...no, actually, I know, that when it's all said and done, I'm winning this match. Don't you realize that I'm the better wrestler man?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: You make good points Chris, but I've got awesome stamina, an awesome finisher, and a cool coat that I wear down to the ring.
Chris Kraven: Do you not hear yourself Ash? Do you now realize that everything you're listing has nothing to do with the sport that is professional wrestling?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: Doesn't matter...your parents are retards.
[Chris leans back in his chair, and covers his face with his eyes. He clears his throat, readjusts in his chair, and begins again.]
Chris Kraven: You sound like you're in high school man. My parents are retards? Seriously. That's your comeback?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: I went to high school! I was there for about a year and a half. I dropped out because I was cooler than everyone else.
[Chris is left speechless. He looks disgusted at the cardboard cutout, almost as if he has forgotten that this isn't Ash Aiken, but simple cardboard. Chris readjusts in his chair again, and looks into the camera.]
Chris Kraven: Ash, you are in for a rude awakening my friend. You can sling every name you want at me. You can throw every insult at me. But the bottom line is, in a professional wrestling match, there's a winner, and there's a loser. Spoiler alert kid, you're going to lose. You say that I've said all the typical professional wrestling stuff. Well I have, because I'm a fucking PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! You, aren't not. You're a wannabe. You decided you were done bouncing your balls against hookers, and thought you'd give pro wrestling a try. I don't know how long you've been training, but I'm sure it's not long enough. You see, I've been in professional wrestling my entire life. And, I'm hungry. I had to sit in the shadows of my big brother, Matt Kraven, as he won World Titles, and tasted victory. My parents were so proud of him, and ignored me. I trained, I busted my ass, and since my big brother had already done it, it wasn't so great this time around. Well I'm here to finally step out of his shadow, and prove that I am actually tons better than him. That starts Thursday Ash. Go on, think you are a professional wrestler. And hell, even think you'll be good at it. But once I humble you in that ring. Once I take you down, defeat you, and make you realize that you aren't anything in this world, you'll do what so many other cross over guys do...you'll quit. So hey, good luck Thursday. Good luck, and I'll say it now, good riddance. Because I know, that after I beat you 1, 2, 3, you'll quit, go back to your little crappy corny porn business, and lead a life of bullshit.
[Chris looks over once more at the cardboard cut out, and then back at the camera. He stands, and begins to exit the view, but has one more thing to say.]
Chris Kraven: See you Thursday night. Sorry about your first loss.
[Chris now storms out of view. The camera slowly pans back over, and zooms in on the face of the cardboard cut out Ash Aiken. We're left in silence...at least for a few seconds. Then...]
Cardboard Ash Aiken: ...I have a small weiner.
Chris Kraven: Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this very special backstage interview. My name, as you all very well should know, because I'm the best professional wrestler ever to step foot into Full Force Pro...Chris Kraven. And I am joined with one of the most talked about newcomers to ever join Full Force Pro. Now, I'm not talking about Freddy Slay, who is quite the crazy character, or Sara Cross, who seems to have the most defined back muscles a female can have. No, I'm talking about everybody's favorite porn star, wearing the most ridiculous sunglasses I've ever seen...Ash Aiken!
[The camera pans over, to see a cardboard cut out of Ash, bend on the waist, and the knees so it looks to be sitting on a black chair that is next to Chris's stool. At first thought, you wonder how Chris will attempt to interview this cardboard cut out, unless he's going to speak out of the side of his mouth, that is until you hear a faint cough...then see a shoulder of a person hiding behind the cardboard cut out.]
Chris Kraven: Dude, you just coughed. This is supposed to be an illusion. Stop it!
[Chris reaches back and smacks the person on their shoulder. You here a low, but somewhat audible, "sorry man". Chris looks at the camera with a stunned look, and rolls his eyes.]
Chris Kraven: ANYWAY...Ash Aiken, glad to have you here. How have you been?
[The camera pans over to the cut out. We hear a voice although the lips obviously don't move.]
Cardboard Ash Aiken: I am great Chris. And I have nice abs.
[Chris looks unimpressed, but tries to hide it, like this is the real Ash, and he doesn't want to seem like a biased interviewer.]
Chris Kraven: That's excellent buddy. Are you excited for our match on Thursday?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: Oh yes I am, and I know I'll beat you. I've never stepped foot inside a ring, and all I know how to do is act in porn, which isn't necessarily a great trait in pro wrestling, but I'll beat you. You have much more experience than I do, but I have this rocking long hair.
[Chris stares at the cutout, blankly staring.]
Chris Kraven: Okay, well, Ash, I've got news for you my friend. I'm not going to just go in there Thursday and lay down for you. This isn't your adult industry. They don't just tell me to go out there, and tell me what poses to do, and tell me that you're going to have your way with me. This is professional wrestling man. You and I are going to go out there, and compete. And frankly, Ash, I think I'm the better wrestler. I think...no, actually, I know, that when it's all said and done, I'm winning this match. Don't you realize that I'm the better wrestler man?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: You make good points Chris, but I've got awesome stamina, an awesome finisher, and a cool coat that I wear down to the ring.
Chris Kraven: Do you not hear yourself Ash? Do you now realize that everything you're listing has nothing to do with the sport that is professional wrestling?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: Doesn't matter...your parents are retards.
[Chris leans back in his chair, and covers his face with his eyes. He clears his throat, readjusts in his chair, and begins again.]
Chris Kraven: You sound like you're in high school man. My parents are retards? Seriously. That's your comeback?
Cardboard Ash Aiken: I went to high school! I was there for about a year and a half. I dropped out because I was cooler than everyone else.
[Chris is left speechless. He looks disgusted at the cardboard cutout, almost as if he has forgotten that this isn't Ash Aiken, but simple cardboard. Chris readjusts in his chair again, and looks into the camera.]
Chris Kraven: Ash, you are in for a rude awakening my friend. You can sling every name you want at me. You can throw every insult at me. But the bottom line is, in a professional wrestling match, there's a winner, and there's a loser. Spoiler alert kid, you're going to lose. You say that I've said all the typical professional wrestling stuff. Well I have, because I'm a fucking PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER! You, aren't not. You're a wannabe. You decided you were done bouncing your balls against hookers, and thought you'd give pro wrestling a try. I don't know how long you've been training, but I'm sure it's not long enough. You see, I've been in professional wrestling my entire life. And, I'm hungry. I had to sit in the shadows of my big brother, Matt Kraven, as he won World Titles, and tasted victory. My parents were so proud of him, and ignored me. I trained, I busted my ass, and since my big brother had already done it, it wasn't so great this time around. Well I'm here to finally step out of his shadow, and prove that I am actually tons better than him. That starts Thursday Ash. Go on, think you are a professional wrestler. And hell, even think you'll be good at it. But once I humble you in that ring. Once I take you down, defeat you, and make you realize that you aren't anything in this world, you'll do what so many other cross over guys do...you'll quit. So hey, good luck Thursday. Good luck, and I'll say it now, good riddance. Because I know, that after I beat you 1, 2, 3, you'll quit, go back to your little crappy corny porn business, and lead a life of bullshit.
[Chris looks over once more at the cardboard cut out, and then back at the camera. He stands, and begins to exit the view, but has one more thing to say.]
Chris Kraven: See you Thursday night. Sorry about your first loss.
[Chris now storms out of view. The camera slowly pans back over, and zooms in on the face of the cardboard cut out Ash Aiken. We're left in silence...at least for a few seconds. Then...]
Cardboard Ash Aiken: ...I have a small weiner.
